| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2006|12:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
things are not ok |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|02:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | anxious yet scared shitless | ] |
god how i love you... but everyday... as my seeing you gets closer and closer i get more afraid of those feelings. i cant tell you now how i feel because i feel almost certain your feelings are gone... at least in sobriety. and even if they arent gone... after this meeting we will in all honesty probably never see each other again. that alone scares the shit out of me. |
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| Irving Berlin |
[Jan. 8th, 2006|04:47 pm] |
gone is the romance that was so divine.
'tis broken and cannot be mended.
You must go your way,
And i must go mine.
But now that our love dreams have ended...
What'll i do
When you are far away
And i am blue
What'll i do?
What'll i do?
When i am wond'ring who
Is kissing you
What'll i do?
What'll i do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?
When i'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll i do?
What'll i do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?
When i'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll i do? |
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| ive never felt so alone in my life |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|02:51 am] |
Stumbled upon this:
In a room full of people, I still feel alone. I used to dream, but my loneliness has consumed me. I cannot look in the mirror because I do not recognize the person staring back at me. As nonexistant as I feel, I continue to wear a mask - acting the fool or pretending to be mr. Nice guy to cheer others up. I don't understand why I do so, considering I've no hope in things changing. I used to be different until the glass splinter in my heart was continually hammered in, until the cracks in my soul grew beyond my control. I am alone... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|10:15 pm] |
"Which To Bury; Us Or The Hatchet"
I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget
and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened
And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for not
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far
Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault
I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that
and wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)
what happened to us
i heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't... |
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| Snails |
[Oct. 31st, 2005|01:17 pm] |
Nico, take it slow
Show me that you care
And love's not just a flare on my sleeve
Sleep well, I pray that cardboard boxes,
Set the perfect stage.
'Cause wood grain makes all man made things seem so out of date
Life is not a play, it's what we
Make of the people we love.
Snails see the benefits
The beauty in every inch
Oh why, why, why, why, oh, why
Are you quick to kiss?
She bites at blades and leaves
God damn you shrubbery
Well I’m sick of vanity plays
Should we move to the UK?
'Cause life here in the states has escaped
All the people above us.
What we make of those people we love
(Chorus)
Snails see the benefits
The beauty in every inch
Oh why, why, why, why, why
Are you quick to kiss?
Baby, maybe I spoke too soon
I’ll touch you once you make the first move
Snails see the benefits
The beauty in every inch
I watch her as she runs
My mother jumps the gun
She puts her in her arms
That is just like my mom
Never lets go, never lets me grow old
I wanna pay her back
But love is nothing you can tax
My family’s not rich by any means
But I feel we won the lottery, that day
The rock swallowed the girl
And I cried as cameras caught my eyes
My tears turned into butterflies
They fly away as caskets close
A new day comes you’ll wake unfold
Smile when you feel the sunlight
You feel the sunlight
You feel the sunlight
You feel the sunlight
(Chorus)
Snails see the benefits
The beauty in every inch
Oh why, why, why, why, why
Are you quick to kiss?
Baby, maybe I spoke too soon
I’ll touch you once you make the first move
Snails see the benefits
The beauty in every inch, oh
Snails see the benefits
The beauty in every inch |
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| What A Week!!!! |
[Oct. 13th, 2005|01:14 pm] |
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It would be an understatement for me to say that this week kicked ass! I got a promotion, I move into my new apartment Monday, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I met an awesome guy. I am so excited about getting to know more about him. I'm at the stage now where I'm like sponge taking everything in. It was so great that he came along. I was tired of being so sad and upset all of the time. It's good to be happy again. I'm very excited about seeing where this is going to go. We've decided to just go with the flow, so as to not rush anything. Which is new for me but I'm liking it. No chance of me losing interest! HAHA! It does suck tho that after a week of dating and all those fun times he is going on vacation for 2 weeks. :( But... I'll be so busy moving and such that it's prolly better. WELL.... HERE'S TO AN EXCELLENT WEEK!!!! I hope everyone is doing well! :) :) :) :) :) :) |
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| Hmmmm Thanks "Avenue Q"!!! |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|08:09 pm] |
Song: There's a Fine, Fine Line Lyrics
Kate Monster:
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time. |
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| Dear Diary: I met a boy today. |
[Oct. 5th, 2005|08:02 pm] |
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I just had dinner with a boy tonight. I'm not really sure what might come out of it, but he seems really cool. Ummmmm, I'm really excited/confused right now so I will continue this when I have more information. It was really nice tho just dinner and coffee and a hug. How refreshing. |
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| Dear Diary, Today I Grew Up |
[Oct. 3rd, 2005|04:51 pm] |
Wow. I just sat down and realized that I know have a "real" job with a real salary and I'm going to have my own apartment on October 17th. This is absolutely amazing! Congratulations to me. I've worked my ass off to get where I am and it's really starting to pay off. THANK GOD! Maybe I'll become more sociable when I move out of here. I doubt it really. Haha. But, then who knows. All it will take is that one person to break me out of this slump I guess. It happened last year at this time, and I believe it very well could happen this year. Who knows. I'm tired of feeling bored all the time. I wish I had someone to call and have over for "big girls night." Or someone to walk in the park with, make interesting dinners with (haha a whole pound of ground beef ewwww) but, mostly, someone to beg to stay over just to watch a movie and fall asleep in their arms. I'm getting a puppy here very soon so I'm confident that it can take over in the companionship department a little.
I like my apartment. It's right beside work!!! It's nothing fancy or glamorous, but it feels like home. I walked in and was like... "this is it."
I'm going to have my own place for Christmas. I now have my own place to invite my family up for dinner. I'm very excited about all of the good things happening in my life right now. I consistantly find myself thanking God for all of these opportunities.
In other news, due to this promotion moving has once again been moved to the back burner. However, it's totally worth it!!! Same ol' people and faces here in Louisville, but I can deal for a little while longer. Plus there will be a new puppy face in my life!!! :) I'm not quite sure what to name him/her, I mean I guess we will have to wait and see what it looks like, but I'd like to go and be prepared with ideas. And who knows, maybe I'll like the name it already has. YAY FUN!!! |
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| Heard this song today. Love it. SHINE ON! |
[Sep. 20th, 2005|11:06 pm] |
Given every moment i had
Still i can never seem to keep up with you
You're done with one mile and onto another one thousand
Still i can never seem to keep up with you
I know youll be better off without me when im gone
You know youre, your beautiful
You're beautiful
Shine on
You were made to
Shine on
And you know i love you
And even if we can or cant be friends
I'll be with you until the very end
So shine on, you want me to
It's keeping me awake every night
But i can never seem to give up on you
I send up a prayer and im onto another one thousand
I can never seem to give up on you
I know youll be better off without me when im gone
You know youre, your beautiful
You're beautiful
Shine on
You were made to
Shine on
And you know i love you
And even if we can or cant be friends
I'll be with you until the very end
So shine on, yeah
Nobody's wrong, nobody's right
Keep moving on..
Shine on, yeah
You want me to shine on
Shine on, you were made to
Shine on, and you know i love you
And even if we can or cant be friends
Were gonna be brighter than we've ever been
so shine on
You're gonna be just fine
Oh, youre gonna be alright love,
You're gonne be just fine,
Oh youre gonna be alright love
--Ryan Cabrera |
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| Dolly Parton is great! Haha! The lyrics to this song are painfully beautiful. |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|04:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  tired | ] |
The Grass is Blue
I’ve had to think up a way to survive
Since you said it’s over
Told me good-bye
I just can’t make it one day without you
Unless I pretend that the opposite’s true
Rivers flow backwards
Valleys are high
Mountains are level
Truth is a lie
I’m perfectly fine
And I don’t miss you
The sky is green
And the grass is blue
How much can a heart and a troubled mind take
Where is that fine line before it all breaks
Can one end their sorrow
Just cross over it
And into that realm of insanitive bliss
There’s snow in the tropics
There’s ice on the sun
It’s hot in the arctic
And crying is fun
And I’m happy now
And I’m glad we’re through
And the sky is green
And the grass is blue
And the rivers flow backwards
And my tears are dry
Swans hate the water
And eagles can’t fly
But I’m alright now
Now that I’m over you
And the sky is green
And the grass is blue
And I don’t love you
And the grass is blue
Dolly Parton |
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| Fall Out Boy -- Where is Your Boy Tonight? |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|01:38 pm] |
Where is your boy tonight?
I hope, he is a gentleman..
And maybe he won't find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town..
When I wake up-
I'm willing to take my chances on
The hope I forget that you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you (for you, So)
You Need Him .. I could Be Him
I could be an accident but I'm still tryin
And thats more than I can say for him
Where Is your boy tonight?
I hope, He is a gentleman..
And maybe he wont find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town
Someday I'll appreciate in value
Get off my ass and call you
In the mean time I'll sport my brand new fashion
Of waking up with pants off at four in the afternoon
You need him .. I could be him
I could be an accident but I'm still tryin
And thats more than I can say for him
(1, 2, 3, 4)
Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman
maybe he wont find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town
(Won't find out ... He wont find out ... Won't find out ... He Wont find out)
Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman..
Maybe he wont find out what I know:
You were the last good thing about this part of town..
(X 2) |
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| As sad as this song is... I love it. |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|11:44 pm] |
Naked as We Came
--Iron and Wine
She says "wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep still and breathe in her
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard
She says "if I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard |
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| OMG FREAKY! |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|10:29 pm] |
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers
in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer hvae to
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately
cllaed Typoglycemia :)-
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt. |
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| Stumbled upon this today. Not my writing. But really kind of spoke to me. |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|03:03 pm] |
The God Who Drowns
I’m driving into work listening to 1010 WINS. The news coming out of the Gulf Coast is nothing less than horrific.
Pulling into the parking lot I listen to a man describe how his boss listened helplessly as his elderly mother, trapped in the rising floodwaters at her nursing home, pleaded for help….
“The guy who runs this building I’m in, emergency management, he’s responsible for everything. His mother was trapped in St Bernard nursing home, and every day she called him and said, “Are you coming, son? Is somebody coming?” And he said, Yeah, Momma, somebody’s coming to get you.”
“Somebody’s coming to get you on Tuesday.”
“Somebody’s coming to get you on Wednesday.”
“Somebody’s coming to get you Thursday.”
“Somebody’s coming to get you on Friday’”
Then, with keening sobs, the man wails, “And she drowned Friday night.”
I shut the radio off and kill the engine. I have tears in my eyes. Tightness constricts my chest. I imagine it’s my mother pleading for her life. I try and shake the imagery out of my head but I can’t. Adrenaline pumps through my system. My hands start shaking. Sick desolation spreads out from the pit of my stomach.
I remember the last time I felt like this - when I stood on the banks of the Hudson and watched the Twin Towers fall, thinking about thousands of frightened people dying at the same time, my sense of helplessness in the face of something incredibly huge and evil. That was almost four years ago. The old woman’s pleas bring those sensations flooding back with a vengeance.
There are times, if you think about life, that the world is a cruel and horrible place.
I realize I’m in no shape to go to work. I have to get a grip or I’ll snap at the first customer who complains about some petty nonsense. There’s a church near my job. It’s open during the day. I duck inside and grab a pew in the back.
The coolness of the hushed church, the smell of incense lingering in the air, envelops me. I gaze down the length of the church and fixate on the tabernacle. The place where, when I was little, I believed God lived. I haven’t sat in a church in a long time. My mind is a sickened blank. What to say? What to ask the Almighty?
Almighty my ass. What a sick joke. When was the last time He saved anybody?
This exercise in futility, I think to myself. I don’t believe God answers prayers. I haven’t in a long time. I think back to when some kids were abducted earlier this summer. Both sets of parents pleaded and prayed for their child’s return on national TV. One was found alive, the other dead in a ditch. The mother of the recovered child said. “I tell you today that God answers your prayers!” But what did that other mother think? Was not her child just as special? Why didn’t God answer her prayers? Does God play favorites? And don’t tell me its part of some Divine plan because if it is I want no part of it.
I’m sure that old woman prayed for her deliverance as the waters rose. I’ll bet she was praying right up until the fetid water filled her lungs and snuffed out her life. Goddamn it. No one deserves to die that way. But ask any cop, he’ll tell you – people die scared and alone everyday. So much for praying to the Almighty. You might as well be praying to the Easter Bunny for all the good it’ll do you.
But we want God to come and save us. In times of desperate horror we become childlike. We want a bearded man in flowing robes to swoop down from heaven in Spielbergesque fashion and save us. But he won’t. God doesn’t stop levees from failing, he doesn’t stay the force of tsunamis, and he doesn’t stop planes from smashing into buildings. Deus Ex Machina is overrated.
Suddenly the door to the church noisily swings open. I look up. An old woman shuffles in and laboriously makes her way up the central aisle. She smiles as she passes me. I smile back. This old lady’s like a hundred and two. Her head’s drooping below her shoulders, her womanly form obliterated by age and gravity. I watch her slow progress as she marches to the front of the church. I shake my head. To be that old, that frail, that weak. Then I remember something I read in seminary long ago…
“God is weak and powerless in the world, and that is exactly the way, the only way, in which he can be with us and help us.”
The guy who said that was a Lutheran pastor named Dietrich Bonhoeffer. He was executed by the Nazi’s for trying to assassinate Hitler. This man knew Evil up close and personal. But he still cherished his faith in God and his belief in the goodness of the world. How did he do that in the face of such monstrosity?
Because he realized that God was not all powerful. He knew God wouldn’t swoop down and save him from his jailors. He understood there’s no division of sacred and profane, any secular and divine. He saw there’s only one reality and he believed that reality was God. And from within that insight he wrestled with the mystery of suffering.
God, Bonhoeffer would say, suffers with us. He shares in our pain. If you’ve ever been to a child’s funeral you know the only thing you can do is cry. God is like that person weeping in the funeral parlor. It was God who was pulverized when the Towers fell, it was God who burned in the Nazi’s ovens, and it was God who drowned in that nursing home in New Orleans.
That’s a hard lesson to learn. Maybe it’s not an answer at all. But the older I get the more this explanation makes sense. It is the only way I can wrap my mind around children dying and old ladies drowning.
But within Bonhoeffer’s words lies a challenge. Since God doesn’t come down in a blizzard of special effects to bail us out – we have to help each other. We recognize the suffering of others and are moved to relieve it. We can’t coop ourselves up in our apartments, churches, and mosques wishing all the bad things will go away. There’s no room for childish magical thinking. We have to act. The rescuers of 9/11 and the Gulf Coast understood this without all the fancy theological reflection. Bonhoeffer would say when we help each other that is God helping us. The human heart is moved by weakness not by strength. It is our brokenness, not power, that binds us together. Perhaps our weakness will be our salvation. Maybe that is how God “can be with us and help us.” Who knows? I’m only a waiter.
I begin to feel better. Things make a bit more sense. I close my eyes and relax.
Outside the church the world goes by. Someone blasts rap music from their car. I hear a man and woman argue. A girl laughs. I smile to myself. Lovers still cry out in joyous embrace, babies are born, children play, boys stride onto the world of affairs, and old men still dream dreams. The world, in spite of everything, is unfolding as it should.
I hear the old woman get out of her pew. I watch her travel down the length of the nave. She looks at me and nods. Her eyes have seen everything I’m going to see. She’s wisdom wrapped up in infirmity. Perhaps, just perhaps, in the paradox of God’s weakness lies his greatness – and the seeds of our own.
Looking at my watch I realize I’m late for work. I genuflect and head out the door, into the swirling mystery of a terrible and beautiful world.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Original Journal Entry along with many replys can be found at http://waiterrant.net/?p=200 |
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| DAY OFF!!! |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|02:38 pm] |
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Whew it's my first day off in a while! I dunno what I'm gonna do. I know that I need to do laundry but bleh.... I'm going to Cinci/Dayton this weekend. :) Going to visit old friends and do the whole Masque thing. I'm quite excited. A bit apprehensive, cuz it will be interesting without him, but excited nonetheless. I'm really excited to see Holly and Travis. I've missed those guys! |
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| Yay! Moving! |
[Sep. 11th, 2005|09:18 pm] |
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Moving is now on the agenda once again. This time it is actually going to happen. Things have already been set in motion at work. California or bust! It's going to be weird going by myself. But good for me to leave Louisville. Now I just have to wait til spring for work! BLAH! I wanna go tomorrow. HAHA! |
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